Psychology Orlando

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Why We Cheat

Deborah O. Day, Psy.D - Thursday, April 03, 2014

In a recent interview with Slate Magazine, Esther Perel, author and therapist, brings fresh perspectives to the age-old issue of infidelity. Surveys consistently show that most marriages/long-term relationships are touched by infidelity at some point. Ms. Perel cites research showing that very often, cheaters are basically happy with their marriages or relationships. This seems to be especially true for men. Most cheaters say they really do not want to leave their relationships, yet they are willing to take risks and seriously hurt their partners and families.

 

Esther Perel makes some excellent points in her interview. Key among them is her observation that what cheaters really are seeking is a different self. Through an affair, a different aspect of one’s personality is brought to life, often in an overwhelmingly intense manner. This intense activation of a perhaps long suppressed or previously unrecognized persona is the real unconscious goal rather than seeking to have a different lover.

 

Ms. Perel also draws a distinction between cheating and non-monogamy. She suggests that “examining monogamy is our next frontier.” Instead of the old roles of cheater and the cheated-upon, new relationship models are needed which can demonstrate how to respectfully handle the shades of grey around the many sexual/intimacy/friendship/digital issues that affect modern relationships.

 

Many couples still agree that sexual monogamy is their ideal. For these couples, a therapist can help impart and sharpen skills such as conflict resolution, caring behaviors, prioritization, and sexual enrichment. A therapist also can offer craving management to help relationships withstand challenges. For couples dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, a specific problem may need to be addressed, such as sexual avoidance or sexual addiction.

 

Other couples may mutually agree to explore more autonomy, self-expression, or personal fulfillment rather than cheating or lying to one another. Even an unconventional arrangement, such as swinging, requires relationship boundaries and expectations for both partners.

 

A qualified sex therapist can work within a couple’s value system to help improve their shared sexual satisfaction. Having the courage to address such delicate topics is a start. A therapist can help couples build upon that beginning by having both partners clarify their priorities and cultivate acceptance of one another.

 

Provided by Alan Grieco, Ph.D.

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Assisting with a Child's Mental State

Deborah O. Day, Psy.D - Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Studies show that even in the current global climate, where divorce is more common and accepted than ever, many children have trouble adjusting to life with parents who live together, to parents who live apart. They now have to split their time between their parents (if they are lucky), or may now live with and see only one parent, instead of two. This is a difficult adjustment for any child, and parents may see the child beginning to act out or withdraw.

 

A psychologist can help with a troubled child from the very first hints of a divorce. Children need stability in order to grow up into well-adjusted people, and a divorce can seriously shake their foundations. A psychologist can come into the situation fresh, without bias towards which parents has had what influence on the child, and assess the child’s state of mind. After this assessment, the psychologist can recommend activities, talking points, and reassurance that can be made to the child in order to let him know first, that the divorce was not his fault, and second, that he is as loved and valued as he was before the divorce.

 

In the mess of a divorce, it can be difficult to find time to give your struggling child the attention he needs and deserves. A psychologist can equip both you and your child with the tools needed to deal with this unsettling life event.

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Collaborative Law

Deborah O. Day, Psy.D - Monday, November 04, 2013

In collaborative law, a couple wishing to divorce works with their lawyers, and often, their psychologists, in order to settle the matter out of court. This kind of law is much cleaner than taking a divorce to trial, where often both the spouses and their lawyers will turn towards malicious in-fighting and dirty tactics in order to get the judge to rule in their favor. In this method of divorce, the lawyers and the spouses can work together to find a settlement that is amenable not just for each other, but also for the children and for the property. Though the negotiations can go on for days or even months, studies show that divorces out of court tend to be more amicable and any children from the marriage are better adjusted.

 

Psychologist are not only brought in in order to evaluate a child who might be having a difficult time with his parents’ divorce, he is also brought in to assess the mental states of the parents, and to determine if it is safe for the child to be placed with either parent. They may also be consulted in order to determine the relative worth of items which are being divided. There is rarely only monetary value involved in divorce disputes, and often a psychologist can clear the air and help the couple reach a more peaceful agreement, one based on facts, rather than on emotions.

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